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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes & Jokes

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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Masturbate".

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, "Act your age." She died.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

The only normal people are the ones you don't know too well.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.