Rodney Dangerfield Quotes and Jokes

396 quotes

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, "quick out the window".

Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy'.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.