Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."
We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.
After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, "Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it." Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open! Boy what a present he gave me!
My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.