Rodney Dangerfield Quotes and Jokes


I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There must be.'

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.