Rodney Dangerfield Quotes and Jokes

396 quotes

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, "quick out the window".

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy'.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.