Rodney Dangerfield Quotes and Jokes


Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, "quick out the window".

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy'.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.