I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Masturbate".
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, "Act your age." She died.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.
I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
The only normal people are the ones you don't know too well.
I have a son in college. He's majoring in fucking up.
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."