Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 3

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely.

My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."

I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.

When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.