Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 4
You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. "What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight."
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, "quick out the window".
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.
They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self' , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, "If I don't make it, I'll never know it."
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.