Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 4
You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. "What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight."
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, "quick out the window".
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, "If I don't make it, I'll never know it."
They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self' , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.