Roseanne Barr Quotes and Jokes


People say to me, “You’re not feminine.” Well, they can just suck my dick.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

Chili represents your three stages of matter: solid, liquid, and eventually gas.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

Beauty comes in all sizes, not just size 5.

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.

I have a huge crush on President George W. Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he`s a babe. He`s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he`s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn`t married I`d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.

Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

I'm only upset that I'm not a widow.