Roseanne Barr Quotes and Jokes


I have a huge crush on President George W. Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he`s a babe. He`s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he`s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn`t married I`d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.

People say to me, “You’re not feminine.” Well, they can just suck my dick.

I have five kids from three marriages. I come from a trailer park. My sister and brother are both gay. I have multiple personalities.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

Chili represents your three stages of matter: solid, liquid, and eventually gas.

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

This town is a back-stabbing, scum-sucking, small-minded town, but thanks for the money.

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.

Beauty comes in all sizes, not just size 5.