Roseanne Barr Quotes and Jokes


I have a huge crush on President George W. Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he`s a babe. He`s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he`s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn`t married I`d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.

People say to me, “You’re not feminine.” Well, they can just suck my dick.

I have five kids from three marriages. I come from a trailer park. My sister and brother are both gay. I have multiple personalities.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

Sometimes for me not throwing a tantrum is what running a marathon or swimming the English Channel must be like for others of a less-challenging emotional nature.

Chili represents your three stages of matter: solid, liquid, and eventually gas.

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

This town is a back-stabbing, scum-sucking, small-minded town, but thanks for the money.

If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.