Roseanne Barr Quotes and Jokes


I have a huge crush on President George W. Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he`s a babe. He`s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he`s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn`t married I`d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.

People say to me, “You’re not feminine.” Well, they can just suck my dick.

I have five kids from three marriages. I come from a trailer park. My sister and brother are both gay. I have multiple personalities.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

Chili represents your three stages of matter: solid, liquid, and eventually gas.

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

This town is a back-stabbing, scum-sucking, small-minded town, but thanks for the money.

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.

Beauty comes in all sizes, not just size 5.

If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.