Roseanne Barr Quotes and Jokes

81 quotes

People say to me, “You’re not feminine.” Well, they can just suck my dick.

I have a huge crush on President George W. Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he`s a babe. He`s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he`s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn`t married I`d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

Chili represents your three stages of matter: solid, liquid, and eventually gas.

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

I have five kids from three marriages. I come from a trailer park. My sister and brother are both gay. I have multiple personalities.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.

Beauty comes in all sizes, not just size 5.

If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.