Quotes & Jokes by Roseanne Barr / page 2

Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere with the labor unions and grab the money will be marched to the guillotines and subsequently beheaded. And isn't that easier and more productive than some endless, bloody conflict? So sayeth the gospel of common sense. Happy Mother's Day.

I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.

I have five kids from three marriages. I come from a trailer park. My sister and brother are both gay. I have multiple personalities.

Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?

In the new world every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster will be filled with a grandmother who has pledged to create heaven on earth for all children, animal and humans with the stolen money we have recovered.

Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the 'pal' back in Palestinian.

There's nothing like a hardship song to set my toes a-tappin.

Well it`s been a few years now and I`ve done some crazy stuff, you know... but I reconnected with what made me famous, with that show and that family, and I went back to my stand-up where I can be myself completely.

Beauty comes in all sizes, not just size 5.

Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered: "Hey, why not you Roseanne?" Indeed, why not each of us?

In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, "Sorry, we're open.''

They're all mine... Of course, I'd trade any one of them for a dishwasher.

I had left home like all Jewish girls in order to eat pork and take birth control pills. When I first shared an intimate evening with my husband I was swept away by the passion (so dormant inside myself) of a long and tortured existence. The physical cravings I had tried so hard to deny finally and ultimately sated... but enough about the pork.