Quotes & Jokes by Roseanne Barr / page 3
In America, if we're speaking truth, women are called bitches. I seek next Mother's Day a march of one million American bitches who can get the job done, the job of getting the food to the hungry and thereby saving our rich American friends and neighbors from going straight to hell and burning there for all of eternity.
My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.
I hate the word housewife; I don't like the word home-maker either. I want to be called Domestic Goddess.
Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.
You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.
The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.'
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny.
My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.
Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.
Somewhere within the concept of justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this, not completely. The people must have justice and so I want to reinstate and enshrine the blessed and holy guillotine!
I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with.