Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 12

How young can you die of old age?

I rented a movie and I put it in the DVD player and before the movie starts, it says, “this film has been modified to fit your television.” Can you imagine if it wasn’t? All you’d see is like a knuckle.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

Death to all fanatics!

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house.

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."