Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 13

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?