Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 15

Half the people you know are below average.

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.

The earth is bipolar.

I lost a button hole today.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.