Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 14

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I never even thought about killin' myself.

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?