Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 17

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.