Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 18

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

I'm constantly tap dancing and wearing bright clothing and talking really loud and smiling all the time. As soon as they can't see me I take off whatever I was wearing, step into my tap shoes, run back stage and turn the music on.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

In Mexico we have a word for sushi.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.