Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 20
I found out who the spirit was that designed the Winchester Mystery House. Helen Keller.
My grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
Something's wrong with my television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
When I was seven, my parents had a party, and I went around to all the guests with a glass of water, and I said, "Here, drink this. This is a magic glass of water. If you drink this, you all get a little bit taller." And they all drank some, and they thought, "Oh, isn't this a weird kid?" And when they all drank some and went back to what they were doin', I went to the room where they keep all the coats, and I hemmed all the sleeves two inches. They were all freakin' out when they left.
Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.