Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 21

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case.... coincidence?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... well, to make a long story short...

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.