Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 27

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

So, do you live around here often?

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?