Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 26

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

How can there be self-help groups?

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?