Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 29

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.