Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 30

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?