Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 43

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time".

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I went to a store and the sign said Open 24 Hours. When I got there, there was guy outside locking it up. I said, “What are you doing, the sign says Open 24 hours?” And he said, “Not in a row.”

When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I lost a button hole.

When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was...

Well, you can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

My school colors were clear. I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."