Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 42

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers... we haven't spoken since.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint...it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I was Cesarean born. Can’t really tell. Although, whenever I leave a house I got out through the window.