Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 42

When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

What are imitation rhinestones?

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers... we haven't spoken since.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I was Cesarean born. Can’t really tell. Although, whenever I leave a house I got out through the window.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint...it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.