Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen

To me nature is… spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating… It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.

A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

Those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.