Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 2

The most beautiful words in the English language are not "I love you", but "It's benign".

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.

I’m twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don’t understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.

I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.