Woody Allen Quotes and Jokes

To me nature is… spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating… It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.

I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.

My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.

The dictatorship is "shut up", democracy is "always concerned".

I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.

Those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.