Woody Allen Quotes and Jokes

To me nature is… spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating… It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.

I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.

My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.

Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

Those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.