Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 12

Standard mathematics has recently been rendered obsolete by the discovery that for years we have been writing the numeral five backward. This has led to reevaluation of counting as a method of getting from one to ten. Students are taught advanced concepts of Boolean algebra, and formerly unsolvable equations are dealt with by threats of reprisals.

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him?

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

With my complexion I don't tan, I stroke.

I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.

Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either.

I don't have to "freedom-kiss" my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree", probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, "Be fruitful and multiply", but not in those words.

The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. It really is.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

Marriage is the death of hope.