Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 12

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.

You can't ride two horses with one behind.

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.

With my complexion I don't tan, I stroke.

Standard mathematics has recently been rendered obsolete by the discovery that for years we have been writing the numeral five backward. This has led to reevaluation of counting as a method of getting from one to ten. Students are taught advanced concepts of Boolean algebra, and formerly unsolvable equations are dealt with by threats of reprisals.

Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either.

When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him?

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, "Be fruitful and multiply", but not in those words.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree", probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?