Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 11

Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.

I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.

Man was made in God`s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of my people, and I said I would like to live on in my apartment.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

Years ago I wrote this short story about my mother called "The Castrating Zionist".

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.

While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.