Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 11

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Years ago I wrote this short story about my mother called "The Castrating Zionist".

And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

I feel like we’re in a Noel Coward play. Someone should be making martinis.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.

I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.

Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either.

With my complexion I don't tan, I stroke.