Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 11

I feel like we’re in a Noel Coward play. Someone should be making martinis.

While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.

I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of my people, and I said I would like to live on in my apartment.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

Man was made in God`s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.

You can't ride two horses with one behind.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Years ago I wrote this short story about my mother called "The Castrating Zionist".

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.