Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 11

Chapter One. He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Behind his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat. Oh, I love this. New York was his town, and it always would be.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I feel like we’re in a Noel Coward play. Someone should be making martinis.

I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.

Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of my people, and I said I would like to live on in my apartment.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.

You can't ride two horses with one behind.

Man was made in God`s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

Years ago I wrote this short story about my mother called "The Castrating Zionist".