Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 14

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I knew I was in love. First of all, I was very nauseous.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

The heart wants what it wants.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

Some men are heterosexual, and some men are homosexual, and some men don't think about sex at all. They become lawyers.

Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.