Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 14

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject.

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.

In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

My God! I beat a man insensible with a strawberry!

Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion.