Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 14

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.