Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 14

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

The heart wants what it wants.

No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.

Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.

I knew I was in love. First of all, I was very nauseous.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.

Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion.