Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 15

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Some men are heterosexual, and some men are homosexual, and some men don't think about sex at all. They become lawyers.

Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion.

The heart wants what it wants.

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.