Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 15

My God! I beat a man insensible with a strawberry!

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

Some men are heterosexual, and some men are homosexual, and some men don't think about sex at all. They become lawyers.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.

Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.