Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 15

Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny.

My God! I beat a man insensible with a strawberry!

Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.