Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 24

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

I'm so excited - I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.

I've gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Don't worry, I know almost exactly what I'm doing.

Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It’s a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also thereis the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.

I have also reviewed my own financial obligations, which have puffed up recently like a hammered thumb.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I am at two with nature.

My movies are more popular in France than back at home. The subtitles must be great.

I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don’t care about the films. I don’t care if they’re flushed down the toilet after I die.

As we know, for centuries Rome regarded the Open Hot Turkey Sandwich as the height of licentiousness.