Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 24

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

I've gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Don't worry, I know almost exactly what I'm doing.

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also thereis the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.

Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It’s a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.

I have also reviewed my own financial obligations, which have puffed up recently like a hammered thumb.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don’t care about the films. I don’t care if they’re flushed down the toilet after I die.

My movies are more popular in France than back at home. The subtitles must be great.

As we know, for centuries Rome regarded the Open Hot Turkey Sandwich as the height of licentiousness.

I am at two with nature.