Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 24

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

I've gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today.

Don't worry, I know almost exactly what I'm doing.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also thereis the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I have also reviewed my own financial obligations, which have puffed up recently like a hammered thumb.

My movies are more popular in France than back at home. The subtitles must be great.

Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It’s a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.

As we know, for centuries Rome regarded the Open Hot Turkey Sandwich as the height of licentiousness.

I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don’t care about the films. I don’t care if they’re flushed down the toilet after I die.

I am at two with nature.