Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 23

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.

For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.

Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.

You always think another time would have been ideal for you... the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

Engrave this Quote Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.

I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.

I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion... but it won't get much sleep.

There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dark about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

Living is messy.

Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.