Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 23

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

Living is messy.

There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dark about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

I'm so excited - I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.

I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.