Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 23

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

I'm so excited - I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "No."

Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

I've gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today.

I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.

You'll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don't always win.