Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 59

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

I think pot should be legal, I do. I also think if your cousin is super-hot, you should be able to fuck one time.

This is why the terrorists hate us. And it’s not the glitter and it’s not the pomp and circumstance. We’ve got black and white, we’ve got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball. And the mirror ball doesn’t care what color you are, and it doesn’t care how rich your parents are, and it doesn’t care what God you pray to. It’s an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.

When I was younger I thought success was something different. I thought, "When I grow up, I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want to be in movies. When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars. I want to have groupies." But my idea of success is different today. For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity and not to give into peer pressure, to try to be something that you're not. To live your life as an honest and compassionate person. To contribute in some way.

There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.

I had to go see a chiropractor in New York. And they're different from osteopaths because of the spelling. Of course, they're both very powerful figures on the Scrabble board, though. "Chiropractor. Chiropractor. Ninety-three letters, 'chiropractor.'"

I asked my wife to try anal sex. She said, "Sure. You first."

I went into this salon in New York and I said “can I get a trim?” But it must have come out “gay Beatle please."

The musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against it? "Rock Against Drugs?" BOY do they suck.

Twinkle twinkle little star, Will she blow me in the car. I bought her dinner, she had fun. My balls are boiling, I'd like to come.

I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.

This guy asked me to go camping on vacation. Camping - that's the dumbest vacation I ever heard of in my life. What, I'm gonna work all year so I can go out and pretend I'm homeless?

I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying. Under another man.

That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.

It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.