Gallagher Quotes and Jokes


Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola; what ain't fruits or nuts, is flakes.

If your knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?

Women wear a pair of panties but only one bra.

I found out why God made babies cute. It's so you don't kill them.

Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?

'I before E except after C?' Americans don't want to learn that! They just sort of make an 'I' looking 'E' and an 'E' looking 'I' then put the dot, right there in the middle!

Iced tea in the wintertime! Why not? 'Cause it's fucking dumb, that's why not!

If you water it and it dies, it’s a plant. If you pull it out and it grows back, it’s a weed.

I don't know why they say "you have a baby." The baby has you.

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Our alphabet is based on some kind of a bookkeeper's code to keep the Jews' and the Egyptians' noses out of the Phoenician cattle business!

Why do they call them cowboys? Cows is girls; bulls is boys. They should call them 'cowgirls' and 'bullboys.'

People like crowds. The bigger the crowd, the more people show up. Small crowd, hardly anybody shows up.

Well, see, babies are born with new eyes. They look at the world with new eyes and you begin to see things, too, through their eyes. I had a problem with her with toilet trainin' and I don't blame her a bit. Cause first I showed her you can't hit your cup on the coffee table. Then I showed her you can't eat on the couch. Then here was this chair you could shit in.