Alan King Quotes and Jokes


A short summary of every Jewish holiday: "They tried to kill us; we won; let’s eat!"

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

Modesty is not one of my virtues.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

I don't think it's any secret. We can't continue to do business as we're currently doing it.

Jesus saves, Moses invests.

I was worried about the ground, and while I thought it was quicker than ideal, there was no jar.

I think he has a hell of a chance on rain softened ground and he probably represents our best chance for a Festival victory.

It was nice to see Chocolate outriding the Flat jockey.

The best definition of an honest politician is one who… when he is bought, stays bought.

Banks have a new image. Now you have a friend, your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It'a a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.

A river in Cleveland caught fire… what did they put it out with?