Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 10

Tragically, my last girlfriend couldn't cook to save her life.

I don't know what possessed me, but yesterday I yelled out the wrong name in the middle of my girlfriend's funeral.

Whenever I meet a doctor, I like to pull them aside and say, "You're a doctor, right? Can you get me some... AIDS medicine?"

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

I'm having trouble convincing my girlfriend to start a fight club.

I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.

Most guys don't realize that when they're having sex with their girlfriend, their also having sex with everyone I've had sex with, too.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

My girlfriend is pregnant. She asked me if we should have it and I said yes. We should have it cremated.

Maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my dad gave me the sex talk. The old man was into some really crazy shit.

It's tough, but I try to wait until the second date before I bring up my dead girlfriends.