Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 10

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

Tragically, my last girlfriend couldn't cook to save her life.

A new survey shows that married women are having 40 percent more extramarital sex than 20 years ago. Scientists say that number drops significantly when they subtract your mom.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

I'm having trouble convincing my girlfriend to start a fight club.

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

If you're getting raped by a fireman, do not yell "FIRE." And definitely don't bring up 9/11.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

I'm not a big porn guy. I just like to jerk off to whatever's on Cinemax at two o'clock in the afternoon.

I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

Babies are the only people I actually trust as far as I can throw them.