Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 10

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

Tragically, my last girlfriend couldn't cook to save her life.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

I'm having trouble convincing my girlfriend to start a fight club.

It's tough, but I try to wait until the second date before I bring up my dead girlfriends.

I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

I'm not a big porn guy. I just like to jerk off to whatever's on Cinemax at two o'clock in the afternoon.

My girlfriend is pregnant. She asked me if we should have it and I said yes. We should have it cremated.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

If you're getting raped by a fireman, do not yell "FIRE." And definitely don't bring up 9/11.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.