Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 10

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

Whenever I meet a doctor, I like to pull them aside and say, "You're a doctor, right? Can you get me some... AIDS medicine?"

Tragically, my last girlfriend couldn't cook to save her life.

I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.

I'm having trouble convincing my girlfriend to start a fight club.

I don't know what possessed me, but yesterday I yelled out the wrong name in the middle of my girlfriend's funeral.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

Most guys don't realize that when they're having sex with their girlfriend, their also having sex with everyone I've had sex with, too.

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

My girlfriend is pregnant. She asked me if we should have it and I said yes. We should have it cremated.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

I'm not a big porn guy. I just like to jerk off to whatever's on Cinemax at two o'clock in the afternoon.

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.