Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 10

Tragically, my last girlfriend couldn't cook to save her life.

My girlfriend is pregnant. She asked me if we should have it and I said yes. We should have it cremated.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

I'm having trouble convincing my girlfriend to start a fight club.

It's tough, but I try to wait until the second date before I bring up my dead girlfriends.

I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

I'm not a big porn guy. I just like to jerk off to whatever's on Cinemax at two o'clock in the afternoon.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

Babies are the only people I actually trust as far as I can throw them.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.