Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 11
Maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my dad gave me the sex talk. The old man was into some really crazy shit.
It's tough, but I try to wait until the second date before I bring up my dead girlfriends.
I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
Do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it and, as long as you look confident, no one will give you any shit. Put that on the back of a locket, then swallow it.
Babies are the only people I actually trust as far as I can throw them.
I don't know what to do. I have a friend in Japan. And he actually owes me ten bucks.
If you're getting raped by a fireman, do not yell "FIRE." And definitely don't bring up 9/11.
I can tell you what the #4 thing I can’t talk about is. It’s the #4 thing.
What kind of super hero would you become if, at age 9, you saw both your parents get raped to death by lambs? Not the cool kind.
It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.