Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 11
I'm not a big porn guy. I just like to jerk off to whatever's on Cinemax at two o'clock in the afternoon.
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
Babies are the only people I actually trust as far as I can throw them.
I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
Do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it and, as long as you look confident, no one will give you any shit. Put that on the back of a locket, then swallow it.
I don't know what to do. I have a friend in Japan. And he actually owes me ten bucks.
I can tell you what the #4 thing I can’t talk about is. It’s the #4 thing.
If you're getting raped by a fireman, do not yell "FIRE." And definitely don't bring up 9/11.
It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
What kind of super hero would you become if, at age 9, you saw both your parents get raped to death by lambs? Not the cool kind.
You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.