Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 11
If you're getting raped by a fireman, do not yell "FIRE." And definitely don't bring up 9/11.
Babies are the only people I actually trust as far as I can throw them.
Maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my dad gave me the sex talk. The old man was into some really crazy shit.
I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
Do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it and, as long as you look confident, no one will give you any shit. Put that on the back of a locket, then swallow it.
You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
I don't know what to do. I have a friend in Japan. And he actually owes me ten bucks.
I can tell you what the #4 thing I can’t talk about is. It’s the #4 thing.
It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
I plan on talking to my kids about sex early. Like six. Or seven am.
What kind of super hero would you become if, at age 9, you saw both your parents get raped to death by lambs? Not the cool kind.