Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 11
What kind of super hero would you become if, at age 9, you saw both your parents get raped to death by lambs? Not the cool kind.
Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
I can tell you what the #4 thing I can’t talk about is. It’s the #4 thing.
You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
If my girlfriend ever turned into a zombie, I would not hesitate to wear a condom.
Do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it and, as long as you look confident, no one will give you any shit. Put that on the back of a locket, then swallow it.
I don't know what to do. I have a friend in Japan. And he actually owes me ten bucks.
I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
George Zimmerman wants to go to law school. I believe his exact words were, “I’d kill to be a lawyer.”
Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
Maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my dad gave me the sex talk. The old man was into some really crazy shit.