Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 9
My girlfriend is pregnant. But we've already decided to give it up for abduction.
She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'
My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.
Every Thanksgiving, I like to invite the less fortunate over to my place for a great big dinner. And give them the wrong address.
On Thanksgiving, I visit the hospital and deep fry turkeys for the kids in the burn unit, just to see the looks on their "faces."
If you drink, don’t drive. Or if you do, at least try to crash into some asshole in a Corvette or something.
An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and 'I hope horrible things don't happen to my family,' but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
Whenever I meet a doctor, I like to pull them aside and say, "You're a doctor, right? Can you get me some... AIDS medicine?"
I don't know what possessed me, but yesterday I yelled out the wrong name in the middle of my girlfriend's funeral.
A new survey shows that married women are having 40 percent more extramarital sex than 20 years ago. Scientists say that number drops significantly when they subtract your mom.
Most guys don't realize that when they're having sex with their girlfriend, their also having sex with everyone I've had sex with, too.
Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.