Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 9
I like my mom's cooking a little better than my girlfriend's. But I don't tell my girlfriend that. I tell my girlfriend her cooking sucks.
My girlfriend is pregnant. But we've already decided to give it up for abduction.
I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to my girlfriend. But first, I'd probably burn my clothes.
My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.
Most guys don't realize that when they're having sex with their girlfriend, their also having sex with everyone I've had sex with, too.
Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and 'I hope horrible things don't happen to my family,' but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
Every Thanksgiving, I like to invite the less fortunate over to my place for a great big dinner. And give them the wrong address.
I don't know what possessed me, but yesterday I yelled out the wrong name in the middle of my girlfriend's funeral.
If you drink, don’t drive. Or if you do, at least try to crash into some asshole in a Corvette or something.
An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.
Whenever I meet a doctor, I like to pull them aside and say, "You're a doctor, right? Can you get me some... AIDS medicine?"
A new survey shows that married women are having 40 percent more extramarital sex than 20 years ago. Scientists say that number drops significantly when they subtract your mom.
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.