Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 9
I thought I was a father once. But then they did a blood test on the baby and the baby died.
I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to my girlfriend. But first, I'd probably burn my clothes.
I should just keep my mouth shut, but I can’t… because I’m so fucking funny.
Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and 'I hope horrible things don't happen to my family,' but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.
Whenever I meet a doctor, I like to pull them aside and say, "You're a doctor, right? Can you get me some... AIDS medicine?"
An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.
Every Thanksgiving, I like to invite the less fortunate over to my place for a great big dinner. And give them the wrong address.
Most guys don't realize that when they're having sex with their girlfriend, their also having sex with everyone I've had sex with, too.
I don't know what possessed me, but yesterday I yelled out the wrong name in the middle of my girlfriend's funeral.
If you drink, don’t drive. Or if you do, at least try to crash into some asshole in a Corvette or something.
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
It's tough, but I try to wait until the second date before I bring up my dead girlfriends.