Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 9
If you drink, don’t drive. Or if you do, at least try to crash into some asshole in a Corvette or something.
My girlfriend is pregnant. But we've already decided to give it up for abduction.
On Thanksgiving, I visit the hospital and deep fry turkeys for the kids in the burn unit, just to see the looks on their "faces."
My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.
My friend has been enjoying the craziest sex life since he got a divorce from his sister.
A new survey shows that married women are having 40 percent more extramarital sex than 20 years ago. Scientists say that number drops significantly when they subtract your mom.
People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.
Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.
She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'
An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and 'I hope horrible things don't happen to my family,' but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.