Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 12
What kind of super hero would you become if, at age 9, you saw both your parents get raped to death by lambs? Not the cool kind.
If my girlfriend ever turned into a zombie, I would not hesitate to wear a condom.
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.
You’re so fucking stupid, you dropped out of school faster than Casey Anthony’s kid.
I've been absolutely furious for no reason lately. Maybe I'll feel better if I find a good psychiatrist and beat him to death.
My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.
After a one night stand, make sure you wait two days before you call and tell her she has AIDS.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man AIDS, and you don't have to give him any fish.
St. Patrick's Day is what Christmas would be like if Jesus had been killed by a car bomb.
I'm working on a screenplay about a guy who teaches a retarded kid to read. It's good. But it is so fucking long.
My mouth is big enough for me to fit my entire fist in your vagina.