Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 12

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

You’re so fucking stupid, you dropped out of school faster than Casey Anthony’s kid.

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man AIDS, and you don't have to give him any fish.

I've been absolutely furious for no reason lately. Maybe I'll feel better if I find a good psychiatrist and beat him to death.

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

I'm working on a screenplay about a guy who teaches a retarded kid to read. It's good. But it is so fucking long.

My mouth is big enough for me to fit my entire fist in your vagina.

Everyone makes mistakes. That's why pencils have abortions.

I'm writing a book. It's called The Soft Spot... and Other Ways to Stop a Crying Baby.

I'm an amateur photographer. Never taken anything I'm proud of. Just children having sex.

If my girlfriend ever turned into a zombie, I would not hesitate to wear a condom.

I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.

George Zimmerman wants to go to law school. I believe his exact words were, “I’d kill to be a lawyer.”

St. Patrick's Day is what Christmas would be like if Jesus had been killed by a car bomb.

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing for 11 years as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.