Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 12
My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
You’re so fucking stupid, you dropped out of school faster than Casey Anthony’s kid.
I've been absolutely furious for no reason lately. Maybe I'll feel better if I find a good psychiatrist and beat him to death.
My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
George Zimmerman wants to go to law school. I believe his exact words were, “I’d kill to be a lawyer.”
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man AIDS, and you don't have to give him any fish.
In honor of Veteran's Day, make sure to pinch anybody not wearing green.
I'm working on a screenplay about a guy who teaches a retarded kid to read. It's good. But it is so fucking long.
If my girlfriend ever turned into a zombie, I would not hesitate to wear a condom.
I'm writing a book. It's called The Soft Spot... and Other Ways to Stop a Crying Baby.
My mouth is big enough for me to fit my entire fist in your vagina.
After a one night stand, make sure you wait two days before you call and tell her she has AIDS.
I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.