Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 12
My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.
I've been absolutely furious for no reason lately. Maybe I'll feel better if I find a good psychiatrist and beat him to death.
My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
You’re so fucking stupid, you dropped out of school faster than Casey Anthony’s kid.
If my girlfriend ever turned into a zombie, I would not hesitate to wear a condom.
George Zimmerman wants to go to law school. I believe his exact words were, “I’d kill to be a lawyer.”
After a one night stand, make sure you wait two days before you call and tell her she has AIDS.
I'm writing a book. It's called The Soft Spot... and Other Ways to Stop a Crying Baby.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man AIDS, and you don't have to give him any fish.
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
My mouth is big enough for me to fit my entire fist in your vagina.
In honor of Veteran's Day, make sure to pinch anybody not wearing green.
I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.