Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 12
I've been absolutely furious for no reason lately. Maybe I'll feel better if I find a good psychiatrist and beat him to death.
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
I plan on talking to my kids about sex early. Like six. Or seven am.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man AIDS, and you don't have to give him any fish.
My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.
It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
I'm writing a book. It's called The Soft Spot... and Other Ways to Stop a Crying Baby.
After a one night stand, make sure you wait two days before you call and tell her she has AIDS.
My mouth is big enough for me to fit my entire fist in your vagina.
The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing for 11 years as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.
In honor of Veteran's Day, make sure to pinch anybody not wearing green.
I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.
St. Patrick's Day is what Christmas would be like if Jesus had been killed by a car bomb.