Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 12
I plan on talking to my kids about sex early. Like six. Or seven am.
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
I've been absolutely furious for no reason lately. Maybe I'll feel better if I find a good psychiatrist and beat him to death.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man AIDS, and you don't have to give him any fish.
You’re so fucking stupid, you dropped out of school faster than Casey Anthony’s kid.
I'm writing a book. It's called The Soft Spot... and Other Ways to Stop a Crying Baby.
I'm working on a screenplay about a guy who teaches a retarded kid to read. It's good. But it is so fucking long.
George Zimmerman wants to go to law school. I believe his exact words were, “I’d kill to be a lawyer.”
St. Patrick's Day is what Christmas would be like if Jesus had been killed by a car bomb.
My mouth is big enough for me to fit my entire fist in your vagina.
I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.
Weeks after those tragic fires in Arizona, a fallen firefighter's bracelet that said "Be Good" was found in the ashes. Some see it as a sign from God, while others see it as what fire suits should be made out of.
If my girlfriend ever turned into a zombie, I would not hesitate to wear a condom.