Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 13

Weeks after those tragic fires in Arizona, a fallen firefighter's bracelet that said "Be Good" was found in the ashes. Some see it as a sign from God, while others see it as what fire suits should be made out of.

In honor of Veteran's Day, make sure to pinch anybody not wearing green.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

I'm an amateur photographer. Never taken anything I'm proud of. Just children having sex.

I only watch the Oscars to make fun of what they wear in the Memoriam.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

I know her in the biblical sense…and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.

When I'm sick I don't shake hands. I say hello by putting my fingers in your mouth.

World AIDS Day is the one day of the year that it's okay to totally ignore lesbians.

People in Iceland must be into some pretty freaky shit if they can't find a single virgin to throw into that volcano.

My friend has a weird relationship with his mother. She breast fed him until he was four. And since then he’s just taken it.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and has AIDS.

When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

I just took a dump that reminded me of my childhood. Because it was as big as a child.

Did you know that diarrhea can actually kill you? Even if you only drink a little bit.