Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 13

I'm working on a screenplay about a guy who teaches a retarded kid to read. It's good. But it is so fucking long.

Weeks after those tragic fires in Arizona, a fallen firefighter's bracelet that said "Be Good" was found in the ashes. Some see it as a sign from God, while others see it as what fire suits should be made out of.

I only watch the Oscars to make fun of what they wear in the Memoriam.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

I'm an amateur photographer. Never taken anything I'm proud of. Just children having sex.

I know her in the biblical sense…and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

Did you know that diarrhea can actually kill you? Even if you only drink a little bit.

People in Iceland must be into some pretty freaky shit if they can't find a single virgin to throw into that volcano.

I just took a dump that reminded me of my childhood. Because it was as big as a child.

When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

My friend has a weird relationship with his mother. She breast fed him until he was four. And since then he’s just taken it.

World AIDS Day is the one day of the year that it's okay to totally ignore lesbians.

When I'm sick I don't shake hands. I say hello by putting my fingers in your mouth.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and has AIDS.