Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 13

St. Patrick's Day is what Christmas would be like if Jesus had been killed by a car bomb.

I'm an amateur photographer. Never taken anything I'm proud of. Just children having sex.

After a one night stand, make sure you wait two days before you call and tell her she has AIDS.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

I only watch the Oscars to make fun of what they wear in the Memoriam.

World AIDS Day is the one day of the year that it's okay to totally ignore lesbians.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

I know her in the biblical sense…and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.

People in Iceland must be into some pretty freaky shit if they can't find a single virgin to throw into that volcano.

When I'm sick I don't shake hands. I say hello by putting my fingers in your mouth.

Did you know that diarrhea can actually kill you? Even if you only drink a little bit.

When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and has AIDS.

North Korea pissed off the entire world last week by testing yet another nuclear bomb. This brings North Korea one step closer to a full scale nuclear bomb, that we will drop on North Korea.

My friend has a weird relationship with his mother. She breast fed him until he was four. And since then he’s just taken it.