Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 13
The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing for 11 years as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.
I only watch the Oscars to make fun of what they wear in the Memoriam.
I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.
I know her in the biblical sense…and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.
World AIDS Day is the one day of the year that it's okay to totally ignore lesbians.
People in Iceland must be into some pretty freaky shit if they can't find a single virgin to throw into that volcano.
After a one night stand, make sure you wait two days before you call and tell her she has AIDS.
In honor of Veteran's Day, make sure to pinch anybody not wearing green.
When I'm sick I don't shake hands. I say hello by putting my fingers in your mouth.
Did you know that diarrhea can actually kill you? Even if you only drink a little bit.
North Korea pissed off the entire world last week by testing yet another nuclear bomb. This brings North Korea one step closer to a full scale nuclear bomb, that we will drop on North Korea.
I honestly can't remember the last time I hit myself in the head with a hammer.
I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it.
I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and has AIDS.