Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 13

Weeks after those tragic fires in Arizona, a fallen firefighter's bracelet that said "Be Good" was found in the ashes. Some see it as a sign from God, while others see it as what fire suits should be made out of.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

I only watch the Oscars to make fun of what they wear in the Memoriam.

People in Iceland must be into some pretty freaky shit if they can't find a single virgin to throw into that volcano.

I know her in the biblical sense…and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.

After a one night stand, make sure you wait two days before you call and tell her she has AIDS.

In honor of Veteran's Day, make sure to pinch anybody not wearing green.

When I'm sick I don't shake hands. I say hello by putting my fingers in your mouth.

World AIDS Day is the one day of the year that it's okay to totally ignore lesbians.

When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it.

North Korea pissed off the entire world last week by testing yet another nuclear bomb. This brings North Korea one step closer to a full scale nuclear bomb, that we will drop on North Korea.

Did you know that diarrhea can actually kill you? Even if you only drink a little bit.

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play "Candle in the Wind" non-stop.

No, I did not really punch the woman in the Honeymooners bit. We had a makeup artist punch her.