Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 5
I’m very arrogant and mean. I’m almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.
I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
I describe myself to people as a "history buff." It just sounds better than "Holocaust buff."
Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
I almost got fired for watching internet porn at work. Instead I got fired for masturbating.
I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really.
Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
This is embarrassing. My friend accidentally killed himself masturbating when he was just trying to kill himself.
The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.