Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 5
I describe myself to people as a "history buff." It just sounds better than "Holocaust buff."
I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.
Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.
My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.
Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
My nephew killed himself masturbating but, officially, the cause of death is exhaustion.
This is embarrassing. My friend accidentally killed himself masturbating when he was just trying to kill himself.