Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 5
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
My girlfriend wants me to choke her while we're having sex. But I say, what's wrong with while we're having dinner?
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person - so I can get a better girlfriend.
Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
My nephew killed himself masturbating but, officially, the cause of death is exhaustion.
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious - nobody saw me.
I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.
My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.
I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
Larry King's been married eight times. Eight times! Jesus, man. You've got 99 problems and bitches are all of them!
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
Look at this dais... you've got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pornographer... and then eight white people.