Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 5
My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person - so I can get a better girlfriend.
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious - nobody saw me.
Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
Larry King's been married eight times. Eight times! Jesus, man. You've got 99 problems and bitches are all of them!
My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.
I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
My nephew killed himself masturbating but, officially, the cause of death is exhaustion.
I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
This is embarrassing. My friend accidentally killed himself masturbating when he was just trying to kill himself.