Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 5
My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person - so I can get a better girlfriend.
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
My girlfriend wants me to choke her while we're having sex. But I say, what's wrong with while we're having dinner?
My nephew killed himself masturbating but, officially, the cause of death is exhaustion.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious - nobody saw me.
My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.
I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
Look at this dais... you've got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pornographer... and then eight white people.
Larry King's been married eight times. Eight times! Jesus, man. You've got 99 problems and bitches are all of them!