Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 5

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.

I describe myself to people as a "history buff." It just sounds better than "Holocaust buff."

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.

When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

I almost got fired for watching internet porn at work. Instead I got fired for masturbating.

This is embarrassing. My friend accidentally killed himself masturbating when he was just trying to kill himself.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.