Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 5
Larry King's been married eight times. Eight times! Jesus, man. You've got 99 problems and bitches are all of them!
I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.
I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.
Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.
Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.
I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
My nephew killed himself masturbating but, officially, the cause of death is exhaustion.
This is embarrassing. My friend accidentally killed himself masturbating when he was just trying to kill himself.