Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 6
When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.
I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.
I almost got fired for watching internet porn at work. Instead I got fired for masturbating.
Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
Last year I gave my girlfriend eyeglasses for her birthday. This year I got her Lasik surgery. Because she didn't need the glasses.
I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
If we can teach sign language to monkeys, then shouldn't deaf people be awesome at gymnastics?
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn’t want to talk about, like death.
I used to have sex with my teachers in exchange for good grades on teacher evaluations.
I think it’s appropriate to start off with a rape joke. It’s good to find out what kind of audience I’m dealing with.
I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.