Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 6

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn’t want to talk about, like death.

If we can teach sign language to monkeys, then shouldn't deaf people be awesome at gymnastics?

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

Look at this dais... you've got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pornographer... and then eight white people.

I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

Hitler also once tried a juice cleanse.

I think it’s appropriate to start off with a rape joke. It’s good to find out what kind of audience I’m dealing with.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

I used to have sex with my teachers in exchange for good grades on teacher evaluations.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to life your head up and say: ‘Not today, you bastards.’