Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 6
When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
If we can teach sign language to monkeys, then shouldn't deaf people be awesome at gymnastics?
Look at this dais... you've got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pornographer... and then eight white people.
I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn’t want to talk about, like death.
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
My nephew killed himself masturbating but, officially, the cause of death is exhaustion.
Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.
It's impossible for me to hear the words "quadruple murder suicide" without thinking of my grandparents.
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to life your head up and say: ‘Not today, you bastards.’