Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 6

Look at this dais... you've got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pornographer... and then eight white people.

Hitler also once tried a juice cleanse.

I almost got fired for watching internet porn at work. Instead I got fired for masturbating.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

If we can teach sign language to monkeys, then shouldn't deaf people be awesome at gymnastics?

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn’t want to talk about, like death.

Last year I gave my girlfriend eyeglasses for her birthday. This year I got her Lasik surgery. Because she didn't need the glasses.

I think it’s appropriate to start off with a rape joke. It’s good to find out what kind of audience I’m dealing with.

I used to have sex with my teachers in exchange for good grades on teacher evaluations.

I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really.