Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 6

I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

I almost got fired for watching internet porn at work. Instead I got fired for masturbating.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

Last year I gave my girlfriend eyeglasses for her birthday. This year I got her Lasik surgery. Because she didn't need the glasses.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

Hitler also once tried a juice cleanse.

I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn’t want to talk about, like death.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

If we can teach sign language to monkeys, then shouldn't deaf people be awesome at gymnastics?

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

I'm screwed. My girlfriend just found my massive porno collection. DVDs, magazines and hard drives. All over at her sister's place.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

I used to have sex with my teachers in exchange for good grades on teacher evaluations.

I think it’s appropriate to start off with a rape joke. It’s good to find out what kind of audience I’m dealing with.