Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 7
The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to life your head up and say: ‘Not today, you bastards.’
Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.
Last year I gave my girlfriend eyeglasses for her birthday. This year I got her Lasik surgery. Because she didn't need the glasses.
I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.
My girlfriend just asked me for ten grand because she wants fake tits. I said no, baby. You need fake tits.
My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
It's impossible for me to hear the words "quadruple murder suicide" without thinking of my grandparents.
I've decided to take my grandmother off of life support. As soon as she gets sick.
I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.
The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
Nobody ever went broke telling the American public to fuck themselves.
Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.