Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 7

Only God can judge wet t-shirt contests.

Last year I gave my girlfriend eyeglasses for her birthday. This year I got her Lasik surgery. Because she didn't need the glasses.

I've decided to take my grandmother off of life support. As soon as she gets sick.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

Just got back from the dentist. He said I have no cavities! And mouth cancer.

Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

My girlfriend just asked me for ten grand because she wants fake tits. I said no, baby. You need fake tits.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

Why don't they put bears in Tampax commercials?

I'm screwed. My girlfriend just found my massive porno collection. DVDs, magazines and hard drives. All over at her sister's place.

I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.

Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.