Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 7

I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.

Last year I gave my girlfriend eyeglasses for her birthday. This year I got her Lasik surgery. Because she didn't need the glasses.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

My girlfriend just asked me for ten grand because she wants fake tits. I said no, baby. You need fake tits.

Only God can judge wet t-shirt contests.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

I've decided to take my grandmother off of life support. As soon as she gets sick.

Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.

Just got back from the dentist. He said I have no cavities! And mouth cancer.

I'm screwed. My girlfriend just found my massive porno collection. DVDs, magazines and hard drives. All over at her sister's place.

It's impossible for me to hear the words "quadruple murder suicide" without thinking of my grandparents.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

Nobody ever went broke telling the American public to fuck themselves.