Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 7
I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.
Last year I gave my girlfriend eyeglasses for her birthday. This year I got her Lasik surgery. Because she didn't need the glasses.
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.
My girlfriend just asked me for ten grand because she wants fake tits. I said no, baby. You need fake tits.
My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
I've decided to take my grandmother off of life support. As soon as she gets sick.
Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
I'm screwed. My girlfriend just found my massive porno collection. DVDs, magazines and hard drives. All over at her sister's place.
Just got back from the dentist. He said I have no cavities! And mouth cancer.
The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
It's impossible for me to hear the words "quadruple murder suicide" without thinking of my grandparents.
You can't expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes you'll miss. But I think comedians are artists and there's a value in failure. It kind of works both ways between comedians and audiences. The audience has to understand that comedians are going to sometimes tell a joke that doesn't work out with dark subjects, and the comedian has to understand that sometimes they 'll fail and it's not the audience's fault for not getting it or loving it.