Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 8

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

Nobody ever went broke telling the American public to fuck themselves.

You can't expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes you'll miss. But I think comedians are artists and there's a value in failure. It kind of works both ways between comedians and audiences. The audience has to understand that comedians are going to sometimes tell a joke that doesn't work out with dark subjects, and the comedian has to understand that sometimes they 'll fail and it's not the audience's fault for not getting it or loving it.

It's impossible for me to hear the words "quadruple murder suicide" without thinking of my grandparents.

Women are like potato chips. They better come with my fucking sandwich.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

So two women who had been shot were discovered on a golf course. It sounds like someone got a hole in one and a hole on the other one.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

I should just keep my mouth shut, but I can’t… because I’m so fucking funny.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

My roommate in LA used to punch his girlfriend in the stomach. I could never believe what a bitch she was.

I thought I was a father once. But then they did a blood test on the baby and the baby died.

I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to my girlfriend. But first, I'd probably burn my clothes.

I like my mom's cooking a little better than my girlfriend's. But I don't tell my girlfriend that. I tell my girlfriend her cooking sucks.

My friend has been enjoying the craziest sex life since he got a divorce from his sister.