Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 8

I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.

So two women who had been shot were discovered on a golf course. It sounds like someone got a hole in one and a hole on the other one.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

Nobody ever went broke telling the American public to fuck themselves.

It's impossible for me to hear the words "quadruple murder suicide" without thinking of my grandparents.

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

My roommate in LA used to punch his girlfriend in the stomach. I could never believe what a bitch she was.

My friend has been enjoying the craziest sex life since he got a divorce from his sister.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

I should just keep my mouth shut, but I can’t… because I’m so fucking funny.

On Thanksgiving, I visit the hospital and deep fry turkeys for the kids in the burn unit, just to see the looks on their "faces."

I thought I was a father once. But then they did a blood test on the baby and the baby died.