Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 8

I'm screwed. My girlfriend just found my massive porno collection. DVDs, magazines and hard drives. All over at her sister's place.

I should just keep my mouth shut, but I can’t… because I’m so fucking funny.

Why don't they put bears in Tampax commercials?

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

You can't expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes you'll miss. But I think comedians are artists and there's a value in failure. It kind of works both ways between comedians and audiences. The audience has to understand that comedians are going to sometimes tell a joke that doesn't work out with dark subjects, and the comedian has to understand that sometimes they 'll fail and it's not the audience's fault for not getting it or loving it.

Women are like potato chips. They better come with my fucking sandwich.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to my girlfriend. But first, I'd probably burn my clothes.

Every Thanksgiving, I like to invite the less fortunate over to my place for a great big dinner. And give them the wrong address.

If you drink, don’t drive. Or if you do, at least try to crash into some asshole in a Corvette or something.

My roommate in LA used to punch his girlfriend in the stomach. I could never believe what a bitch she was.

I like my mom's cooking a little better than my girlfriend's. But I don't tell my girlfriend that. I tell my girlfriend her cooking sucks.

I thought I was a father once. But then they did a blood test on the baby and the baby died.

A new survey shows that married women are having 40 percent more extramarital sex than 20 years ago. Scientists say that number drops significantly when they subtract your mom.