Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 8

Nobody ever went broke telling the American public to fuck themselves.

You can't expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes you'll miss. But I think comedians are artists and there's a value in failure. It kind of works both ways between comedians and audiences. The audience has to understand that comedians are going to sometimes tell a joke that doesn't work out with dark subjects, and the comedian has to understand that sometimes they 'll fail and it's not the audience's fault for not getting it or loving it.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

Women are like potato chips. They better come with my fucking sandwich.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

Why don't they put bears in Tampax commercials?

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

I should just keep my mouth shut, but I can’t… because I’m so fucking funny.

I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to my girlfriend. But first, I'd probably burn my clothes.

Every Thanksgiving, I like to invite the less fortunate over to my place for a great big dinner. And give them the wrong address.

My roommate in LA used to punch his girlfriend in the stomach. I could never believe what a bitch she was.

I thought I was a father once. But then they did a blood test on the baby and the baby died.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

I like my mom's cooking a little better than my girlfriend's. But I don't tell my girlfriend that. I tell my girlfriend her cooking sucks.

So two women who had been shot were discovered on a golf course. It sounds like someone got a hole in one and a hole on the other one.