Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 8

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

Nobody ever went broke telling the American public to fuck themselves.

Women are like potato chips. They better come with my fucking sandwich.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

It's impossible for me to hear the words "quadruple murder suicide" without thinking of my grandparents.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

So two women who had been shot were discovered on a golf course. It sounds like someone got a hole in one and a hole on the other one.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

My friend has been enjoying the craziest sex life since he got a divorce from his sister.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

My roommate in LA used to punch his girlfriend in the stomach. I could never believe what a bitch she was.

I should just keep my mouth shut, but I can’t… because I’m so fucking funny.

I thought I was a father once. But then they did a blood test on the baby and the baby died.

I like my mom's cooking a little better than my girlfriend's. But I don't tell my girlfriend that. I tell my girlfriend her cooking sucks.

I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to my girlfriend. But first, I'd probably burn my clothes.