Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 8
Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.
It's impossible for me to hear the words "quadruple murder suicide" without thinking of my grandparents.
Nobody ever went broke telling the American public to fuck themselves.
The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
My roommate in LA used to punch his girlfriend in the stomach. I could never believe what a bitch she was.
I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.
My friend has been enjoying the craziest sex life since he got a divorce from his sister.
On Thanksgiving, I visit the hospital and deep fry turkeys for the kids in the burn unit, just to see the looks on their "faces."
My girlfriend is pregnant. But we've already decided to give it up for abduction.
I like my mom's cooking a little better than my girlfriend's. But I don't tell my girlfriend that. I tell my girlfriend her cooking sucks.
She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'