Quotes & Jokes by Artie Lange / page 4

My mother would say, before I left the house, 'Remember Art, hugs are better than drugs.' And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said - until the first time I got high at a party. I leaned back, and I went, 'God, this is way better than when my Uncle Perry hugs me. What else has my mother been lying to me about?'

If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.

I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.

Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.

For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer’s kid’s bar mitzvah.

Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.

I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.

Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.

When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, almost like Richard Pryor or something. You can be honest about your life and get laughs.

Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.

I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.