Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 12

I would describe my spirituality as exactly the opposite of having a religious affiliation.

The "Power of One" is a slogan - not a goal.

Don't you think that being a person of faith has become a third rail in American politics? If you want to run for president nowadays, you'd better get out there and say you're a very faith-based person.

If you're keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don’t know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul’s new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing.

My generation didn`t face the kind of urgent, pressing issues that my parents did, who fought through a war and a Depression and know what suffering is. That`s why Bob Dole had a tough time with this electorate. He was an old-fashioned curmudgeon who knew about sacrifice, and we didn`t know if we could live up to his standards. But we knew we could live up to Bill Clinton`s. He`s more like one of us.

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because "They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug." These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.

What's it going to take to get these people who refuse to believe that global warming exists to get in touch with reality? Where do they think exhaust goes - Bunnyland?

If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

But I’ve often said that if I had - I have two dogs - if I had two retarded children, I’d be a hero. And yet the dogs, which are pretty much the same thing. What? They’re sweet. They’re loving. They’re kind, but they don’t mentally advance at all. Dogs are like retarded children.

Jesus is not a candle. A company in South Dakota is selling candles with the scent of Jesus. You light one and your friends says, "Christ, what's that smell?"

Why is monotheistic faith better than polytheistic? I mean, either you believe – if you believe in, like, a magic person who can do magic things, why is it different – so different if it’s Superman or the Fantastic Four?

In no way was I intending to say, nor have I ever thought, that the men and women who defend our nation in uniform are anything but courageous and valiant, and I offer my apologies to anyone who took it wrong.