Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 12

If conservatives get to call universal healthcare "socialized medicine", I get to call private, for-profit healthcare "soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain".

But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?

If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because "They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug." These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.

When sex is good theres nothing better, when its bad its not bad.

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!

I would describe my spirituality as exactly the opposite of having a religious affiliation.

I think pornography stops rape, AIDS ribbons are stupid, and flag burning makes me feel patriotic.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

Don't you think that being a person of faith has become a third rail in American politics? If you want to run for president nowadays, you'd better get out there and say you're a very faith-based person.

If you're keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don’t know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul’s new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing.

I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider - and also FOX News makes people stupider.

It`s all been satirized for your protection.

Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half.