Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 12
We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider - and also FOX News makes people stupider.
On the show, I do a very serious thing. And a lot of people have a hard time reconciling that with what I'm going to do after the show. They can't get it into their heads: "How can he be talking to Madeleine Albright one minute and then somebody half his age...." They're just jealous. But I never made any bones about it. I am a player. Always have been.
Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because "They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug." These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.
But I’ve often said that if I had - I have two dogs - if I had two retarded children, I’d be a hero. And yet the dogs, which are pretty much the same thing. What? They’re sweet. They’re loving. They’re kind, but they don’t mentally advance at all. Dogs are like retarded children.
What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.
Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.
I would describe my spirituality as exactly the opposite of having a religious affiliation.
Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, "Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards."
There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they’re crazy.
That's right. It turns out we've all been taking relationship advice from the fat middle-aged, bald guy who drives a Ferrari!
Amazon has included me in an opportunity to provide top-shelf television-style programming live on the world's computer screens. To hold forth with the industry's very best actors, directors, musicians, authors - I'm thrilled to be on the cutting edge of this.