Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 12

We do it all the time, we legislate taste. We do it with the tax code. Churches and children get a tax break, because it's assumed that we all agree that we want to encourage churches and children. I don't. I don't. That's my opinion. I don't want to encourage either churches or children, and it's a very bad idea to put them together.

But I’ve often said that if I had - I have two dogs - if I had two retarded children, I’d be a hero. And yet the dogs, which are pretty much the same thing. What? They’re sweet. They’re loving. They’re kind, but they don’t mentally advance at all. Dogs are like retarded children.

If you're keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don’t know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul’s new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing.

You can't claim you're for peace if you're not willing to disturb it.

Amazon has included me in an opportunity to provide top-shelf television-style programming live on the world's computer screens. To hold forth with the industry's very best actors, directors, musicians, authors - I'm thrilled to be on the cutting edge of this.

If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won’t give you healthcare over someone who will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can’t afford to have your head examined.

Remember, guns don't kill people - unless you practice real hard.

In ancient times they sacrificed the virgins. Men were not about to sacrifice the sluts!

It's like the lotto. "You can't get saved if you don't play."

I have such disdain for anybody who gets joy out of blowing the stuffing out of a little woodland creature, that I don't really care if any of them gets shot.

That's ended, that's over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I'm a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.

I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices.

The House okayed the gasoline tax cut, which will increase the deficit, line the pockets of the oil companies, and hurt the environment; Dole said that if there was just some way this could interfere with people's sex lives, it would be perfect legislation.

Recently, there's been a trend in America that I find very disturbing... rewarding immoral and illegal behavior...For example, we now give free needles to junkies, which seems to me to be only a step away from giving condoms to rapists.

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.