Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 13
What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.
Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.
We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.
I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider - and also FOX News makes people stupider.
There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they’re crazy.
I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices.
Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, "Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards."
The House okayed the gasoline tax cut, which will increase the deficit, line the pockets of the oil companies, and hurt the environment; Dole said that if there was just some way this could interfere with people's sex lives, it would be perfect legislation.
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.
People on the right say to people like me, "Oh, you hate America." And I always say, "No, I love America. I want it back. I don't want you representing it. I don't want torture representing it." If I hated it, I'd be okay with being represented by the torturers.
On the show, I do a very serious thing. And a lot of people have a hard time reconciling that with what I'm going to do after the show. They can't get it into their heads: "How can he be talking to Madeleine Albright one minute and then somebody half his age...." They're just jealous. But I never made any bones about it. I am a player. Always have been.