Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 13
The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.
The House okayed the gasoline tax cut, which will increase the deficit, line the pockets of the oil companies, and hurt the environment; Dole said that if there was just some way this could interfere with people's sex lives, it would be perfect legislation.
Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because "They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug." These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.
There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they’re crazy.
What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.
I would describe my spirituality as exactly the opposite of having a religious affiliation.
The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half.
Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.
Don't you think that being a person of faith has become a third rail in American politics? If you want to run for president nowadays, you'd better get out there and say you're a very faith-based person.
But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?
I think pornography stops rape, AIDS ribbons are stupid, and flag burning makes me feel patriotic.
If conservatives get to call universal healthcare "socialized medicine", I get to call private, for-profit healthcare "soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain".
My generation didn`t face the kind of urgent, pressing issues that my parents did, who fought through a war and a Depression and know what suffering is. That`s why Bob Dole had a tough time with this electorate. He was an old-fashioned curmudgeon who knew about sacrifice, and we didn`t know if we could live up to his standards. But we knew we could live up to Bill Clinton`s. He`s more like one of us.