Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 13

There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they’re crazy.

We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.

The "Power of One" is a slogan - not a goal.

I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices.

You are what you do. It's about actions.

Abstinence is a perversion.

But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.

People on the right say to people like me, "Oh, you hate America." And I always say, "No, I love America. I want it back. I don't want you representing it. I don't want torture representing it." If I hated it, I'd be okay with being represented by the torturers.

My generation didn`t face the kind of urgent, pressing issues that my parents did, who fought through a war and a Depression and know what suffering is. That`s why Bob Dole had a tough time with this electorate. He was an old-fashioned curmudgeon who knew about sacrifice, and we didn`t know if we could live up to his standards. But we knew we could live up to Bill Clinton`s. He`s more like one of us.

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

It`s all been satirized for your protection.

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist.

That's ended, that's over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I'm a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.