Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 13

I would describe my spirituality as exactly the opposite of having a religious affiliation.

It's like the lotto. "You can't get saved if you don't play."

Don't you think that being a person of faith has become a third rail in American politics? If you want to run for president nowadays, you'd better get out there and say you're a very faith-based person.

Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half.

Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.

There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they’re crazy.

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.

We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because "They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug." These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

Why is monotheistic faith better than polytheistic? I mean, either you believe – if you believe in, like, a magic person who can do magic things, why is it different – so different if it’s Superman or the Fantastic Four?

I think pornography stops rape, AIDS ribbons are stupid, and flag burning makes me feel patriotic.

What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they're anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they're super Christian, they're a witch.

But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?

It`s all been satirized for your protection.