Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 13
Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.
What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.
We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.
In no way was I intending to say, nor have I ever thought, that the men and women who defend our nation in uniform are anything but courageous and valiant, and I offer my apologies to anyone who took it wrong.
I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider - and also FOX News makes people stupider.
There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they’re crazy.
I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices.
The House okayed the gasoline tax cut, which will increase the deficit, line the pockets of the oil companies, and hurt the environment; Dole said that if there was just some way this could interfere with people's sex lives, it would be perfect legislation.
That's right. It turns out we've all been taking relationship advice from the fat middle-aged, bald guy who drives a Ferrari!
Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, "Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards."
This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.