Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 15

Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.

Amazon has included me in an opportunity to provide top-shelf television-style programming live on the world's computer screens. To hold forth with the industry's very best actors, directors, musicians, authors - I'm thrilled to be on the cutting edge of this.

That's right. It turns out we've all been taking relationship advice from the fat middle-aged, bald guy who drives a Ferrari!

God makes trees, he doesn't write books.

A group of Cuban Americans denounced the Castro government as a fascist regime that monitors and scrutinized its citizens' everyday existence. And then they excused themselves to go watch "Big Brother".

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.

Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

The food is out of this world!

I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.

My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group.

Only cowards push a button from thousands of miles away, or tens of thousands of feet up, to kill people who can't possibly fight back.