Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 16

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called "Sin City" is allowed to be a drunk.

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.

The president is not doing well with African Americans. His popularity rating - his approval rating - with blacks: two percent. Two percent. That is somewhere between Mark Fuhrman and sickle cell anemia.

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.

In this country your guilty until proven wealthy.

And for the record, all marriages are same sex marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex.

I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.

The Founding Fathers were more deists. If you had to categorize them as anything. There was some sort of moving prime force. But it's an impersonal force. Some people call it Nature. Certainly not this personal god who you have a personal relationship with, who listens to your prayers and answers them, or doesn't. You know, not the silly stuff that most Americans believe because we're such a dumb nation.

I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author.

Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding.

The country can't get well if the people are sick. And the people are sick.

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.

George Bush says, "Gore's book needs a lot of explaining." Of course, Bush says that about every book.