Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 16

Mick Jagger fucks young girls for a reason. He can. Believe me, plumbers his age would do the same thing if they could. Men are only as loyal as their options.

Don't you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt?

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.

I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author.

The country can't get well if the people are sick. And the people are sick.

Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That's why they voted for the old guy and Carrie's mom. You're not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren't crazy.

You can’t be a rational person six days a week and on one day of the week, go to a building, and think you are drinking the blood of a two thousand year old space god. That doesn’t make you a person of faith, that makes you a schizophrenic.

Again, America is a stupid country with stupid people who don’t pay attention.

Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called "Sin City" is allowed to be a drunk.

We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.

Canadian bacon isn't bacon. It's ham.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.