Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 17

Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding.

Don't you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt?

George Bush says, "Gore's book needs a lot of explaining." Of course, Bush says that about every book.

I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist.

The Bush Administration is always saying, "We don't hear the good news." Yeah, because the journalists are saying, "Cover me, I'm going to the ice machine."

Canadian bacon isn't bacon. It's ham.

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

I know a whole generation has been raised on the notion of multiculturalism; that all civilizations are just different. No! Not always. Sometimes things are better! Rule of law is better than autocracy and theocracy; equality of the sexes, better; protection of minorities, better; free speech, better; free elections, better; free appliances with large purchases, better! Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.

New Rule: Stop whining about the French. It takes a lot of guts to stand up to the Bush administration and that's more than I can say about the Democrats!

A president can be unpopular for good reasons. You know, I'm not always on the side that the people are right, for God's sake. But, you know, he's not popular when he goes overseas. He couldn't go to Rosa Parks' funeral.

Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.

Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is.

You can’t be a rational person six days a week and on one day of the week, go to a building, and think you are drinking the blood of a two thousand year old space god. That doesn’t make you a person of faith, that makes you a schizophrenic.

We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.