Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 17

I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist.

Again, America is a stupid country with stupid people who don’t pay attention.

Don't you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt?

Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That's why they voted for the old guy and Carrie's mom. You're not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren't crazy.

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

The Bush Administration is always saying, "We don't hear the good news." Yeah, because the journalists are saying, "Cover me, I'm going to the ice machine."

I know a whole generation has been raised on the notion of multiculturalism; that all civilizations are just different. No! Not always. Sometimes things are better! Rule of law is better than autocracy and theocracy; equality of the sexes, better; protection of minorities, better; free speech, better; free elections, better; free appliances with large purchases, better! Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

Canadian bacon isn't bacon. It's ham.

New Rule: Stop whining about the French. It takes a lot of guts to stand up to the Bush administration and that's more than I can say about the Democrats!

A president can be unpopular for good reasons. You know, I'm not always on the side that the people are right, for God's sake. But, you know, he's not popular when he goes overseas. He couldn't go to Rosa Parks' funeral.

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.

Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is.

You can’t be a rational person six days a week and on one day of the week, go to a building, and think you are drinking the blood of a two thousand year old space god. That doesn’t make you a person of faith, that makes you a schizophrenic.

We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.

Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.