Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 2
Poor Michael Jackson and these sex allegations. As if it’s not bad enough him being a Jehova’s Witness, they’re accusing him of behaving like a catholic priest!
It's the woman's movement. Woman are demanding things. "Give me things! Do things to me! Do exotic things and plenty of them. Tonight, I think I'll have multiple orgasms". And I go fucking hell, what? What's that? "Go for it my boy! Plenty of orgasms, I'll tell you when to stop". No sooner had we found the clitoris that we were in search of the g-spot. I don't think you could find that with a wet suit and a divers helmet. I know gynaecologists that don't believe in it. You see it's difficult to be a man. I mean the mens movement in America is taking the country by storm. Right, people and all meeting, but you see films of the woman's movement... "We want this! And that. We demand a share in that, and most of that, some of this and fucking all of that. Less of that, more of this and fucking plenty of this. And another thing we want it now. I want it yesterday and I want fucking more tomorrow. And the demands will all be checked then so fucking stay awake."
"I stood on a stone fish once." "Oh yeah, how was it?" "Worst fucking pain known to man." "Have you known a lot of pain?" "Aye, I fell off my bike once."
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?
McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering... It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.
When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes right to the fucking bone.
It's very awkward to be kind of big in your own field. It limits what you're offered. People are swayed by the fact that you're a comedian or a musician or whatever they think you are. When it comes to choosing you, they get a bit shaky about offering you a different type of role. But I've really been very lucky. When you compare me to other comedians, I`ve been very fortunate. So you`ll get no complaints.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
There is no such thing as bad language: it's just our morals that are fucked.
Never turn down an opportunity to shout "Fuck them all!" at the top of your voice.