Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 3

There is no such thing as bad language: it's just our morals that are fucked.

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning... That can keep me awake for days.

I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

You've made a happy man very old.

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.

I used to be a folk singer, but er I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.

Suicide fucking bombing, there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang, the world's a wanker short.

We were watching this procession. It was fucking terrible and the crucifix was about 20 feet high coming around the corner. And my wee grandson says, "who's that?" I say, "that's Jesus". He says, "baby Jesus?!" I say, "yeah, that's him". He says, "somebody killed baby Jesus!" It was the most sincere religious cry. If Christians did that, I would believe them. "what? The bastards killed Jesus!"

The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.

Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and, if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction. Tell people you're ninety-seven and they'll think you look fucking great.